At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
