Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
