Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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