i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
