Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
