I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm just crazy horny about you
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
