The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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