there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
