mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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