So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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