grandma shit on top of the toilet
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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