I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
