My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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