he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
