On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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