I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
