I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
