I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
