Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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