i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
