i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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