she sounds like chewbacca in bed
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
