I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
