1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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