hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
