Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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