i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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