i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
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