Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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