I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
