so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
