The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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