I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
