When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
