If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I need to stop coming to work sober
sarcasm needs its own font
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
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And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
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I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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