Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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