A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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