i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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