FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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