Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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