my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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