Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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