Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
