never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
