How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
