I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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