captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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