1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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