Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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