before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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