everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
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Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
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I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize