i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
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