I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
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I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I can't put those talents on a resume
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You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week