I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
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in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
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Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.