WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
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He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
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And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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