i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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