He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.