But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
